Bipolar me, six months on

martinupfold

It has been six months since my last blog.

I haven’t blogged as I have either not been bothered or I feel like I have nothing to say but now I feel I have found my voice again after going to a Meet Up group for bloggers in Sheffield last night.

Last night I met some good people and I feel it is time to hit the keyboard again and start blogging again.

In the last six months I have been up and down like the proverbial yo-yo.  So much so that I have returned to counselling with the encouragement of my wife Sarah.  It’s a very difficult, physically tiring and emotionally exhausting process.  However if Martin wants to get better then Martin needs to do it.

And I feel part of that process is to blog and share it with you the reader whom ever you may be.  As…

View original post 336 more words

Bipolar me- Snowdonia

martinupfold

One of the reasons I do photography is to escape from the black dog of bipolar.  One of the great things about photography is that it can be portable and flexible as a medium.  Meaning that you can travel to places with a camera, like this week I traveled to Snowdonia in North Wales with my family.

Sadly my eldest son Kieran due to his special need would not be able to attempt to walk up to Mount Snowdon and the train up mountain was fully booked so he, his brother Brendan and their mother Sarah stayed at the bottom of the mountain and I attempted to climb Snowdon unaccompanied.

This was not a major issue.  Selfish as it sounds I sometimes prefer to do things like climbing and exploring mountains on my own.  My family as much as I love them, they can be a distraction from the task of…

View original post 623 more words

Bipolar Insomniac

martinupfold

One of the most annoying things about being in my situation is the insomnia.

Insomnia is one of the aspects of my mental health issues I could with out.  I could take sleeping tablets but the problem is 1) they are addictive and 2) you don’t truly get any sleep.  The pills just knock you out.

The worst thing about my insomnia is not necessarily the effect on me (crabby, snappy, easily annoyed and aggressive) but on my wife, Sarah.  Because I can’t sleep for some reason neither can see.

Insomnia is also boring as hell.  You end up watching endless repeats on the TV, playing video games you suck at, reading books you’ve read a dozen times before or staring into the darkness at the ceiling praying for the sandman to visit you and deliver you a night of pure uninterrupted sleep.  Sometimes it happens but due to the meds…

View original post 228 more words

Bipolar me- My photography

martinupfold

It’s been a few days since my last blog. Been getting things together in my mind and doing things in my life. I’m typing this whilst listening to music  and drinking peppermint tea.

In my last blog I finished by saying that I bought a small and relatively cheap camera for about £130 from the local supermarket.

I would use the camera as an extension of myself to express myself by photographing what I found interesting. Before I had my driving license removed and I would travel to places like Spurn point and photograph the landscape and environment.  Composing images that I thought may or may not be of interest.

For me photography wasn’t just a form of self-expression but of self exploration.  Since losing my job I had lost my rudder in life, the only person keeping my feet on the ground was my wife Sarah.  The Bipolar and depression…

View original post 303 more words

Bipolar me 2

martinupfold

Due to the positive feedback I got from my first blog I have decided to continue.

In my last blog I left question – What do I do next?

Well that is a pretty open question. After being in work almost continually since the age of eighteen it was weird to be jobless. Unfortunately I was too ill to work due to the combination of the bipolar, depression, dark thoughts and mood swings.

We, Sarah and I, had to fight to get everything we was entitled to. Housing benefit. Council Tax Benefit. Disability Living Allowance (DLA for short). Everything was difficult to obtain or a battle.

The biggest battle was the DLA. We had applied three times and had been rejected for it three times. And being in the place I was I was in no mood or fit state to continue fighting. I wanted to throw in the towel…

View original post 749 more words

Bipolar me

martinupfold

This is the first time I have ever written a blog. I was inspired to write one after watching a BBC programme about mental health.

I am many things- a husband, a father, a veteran and a mental health survivor. These things are what give me the sense of self.

Now five years ago I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. It was a life changing diagnosis. Before the Bipolar diagnosis I was a happy go lucky bus driver, doing a job I enjoyed earning a good wage.

Thing is I also knew there was something not quite right with me, known it for a long time. The best analogy I can use to describe my mental health was to liken it to a busted limb. I’ve always had it, I’ve walked on it, run and jumped on it but never realised it was busted until one day something happens and…

View original post 618 more words

Bipolar Me- Why I write

Well, I was asked if my writing helps?

The answer is an unequivocal yes. It always allows me to vent, explain and share my experiences of having a front row seat to mental health issues. When I write I am not always in a good place, but that doesn’t matter. Why? Because if I don’t write about my situation then the pent up tension, confusion and negativity in my mind would have no release and would become toxic, very toxic. Dare I say and sound dramatic but it could became deadly.

A lot of my blogs have an element of “me, me, me!” about them because the illness is a very selfish monster and can make one very self-centered and egotistical. That usually happens when I am not in a good place to be. When I’m in that dark place I find myself it becomes all about me and everyone else can count for nothing.

When I find myself in a funk I dwell and I fixate on things, places and certain people in my past. Sometimes I want to scream and shout their names and pour scorn on certain people in my writings. Which is ridiculous as that is wrong, distasteful and mentally is harmful and detrimental. The memories I experience and re-experience can cause one self physical pain that must be exorcised. How do I exorcise these painful memories; I write.

It is not an easy thing and sometimes I think not a sensible thing at times to do. To bare your soul on the Internet and put yourself into the public domain for all to see. Yet I do. Sometimes I feel like I am looking for validation from strangers and friends. Other times I think to myself that this could probably, no matter how unlikely, actually help someone out in the wider world. Say if one, just one, person decides to get help or someone feel they are supported and helped to not feel like the only person in the world battling with mental health issues alone due to my writing then job done.

The fact is I am not alone in my fight with mental health issues. As someone pointed out to me- I am not the warrior but it is fact my wife Sarah. She is the rock and heart of our family unit. If Sarah was to quit fighting for me to be well then I would simply be lost. That is a fight neither of us can afford to lose.

In fact at this point in time mentally I find myself in a neutral place, the wonderfully bland and boring plateau. For anyone who has bipolar, depression and any of the linked mental health issues this is not an ideal place but it is better than being manic, depressed, high or low. Ticking over on the middle ground is just fine and dandy as far as I am concerned.

Well I think I’ve written enough. Any questions feel free to ask or follow me on Twitter @lash1978

Bipolar Me- Do something.

Being in the situation that I have found myself in it is so easy for me to wallow in the misery and malaise of doing nothing. The most basic of tasks becomes a chore. The simple act of getting out of bed, making a cup of tea and planning a day of being a productive member of the human race is an exhausting battle of attrition with what has and needs to done with your mind.

This illness will lie to you constantly and loudly. It will tell you that you are a pointless, useless and lazy individual. Unworthy of anything, of people, of status, of goals or of the world. It’s such a seductive voice too, that pours poison down your minds ear. Because that voice is usually your own. If the voice was somebody else you could easily put fingers in your ears and block them out. But because it’s in your own head, it’s not so easy to ignore.

It is so very easy to just stay on the sofa and get sucked in to the brain rotting tedium that is daytime television and simply do nothing. You start with the best intention of doing something constructive like say wash the breakfast pots and you end up doing nothing. You hide from people and the world finding it easier to be miserable and self-pitying. The world and time steadily slips on by. You procrastinate, you procrastinate a lot.

How I dealt with this is to set myself goals. Achievable goals, now there’s not much point aiming yourself to run a marathon or climb up a mountain when can hardly make it down the stairs to the kitchen. You are setting up to fail before you’ve begun.

First I set myself the goal of getting out of bed at a reasonable time. Easy? No. With the usual routine in our home is that my wife Sarah would get up, wake up the children if they’re not already awake. Get them breakfast, get them dressed and get them to school. And where am I whilst all this is happening? In bed, trying to raise myself from there.

I’d set the alarm to wake up and I would inevitably ignore it at first. The snooze button is a terrible thing. My solution to this was to put the alarm on the dressing table so I had to actually physically get out of the bed and switch it off. Eventually I would get out of the bed and go downstairs, at least half an hour after everyone else. Sit down and stare in to space. Thing is, this is a goal. A very small one but a goal nevertheless.

In time I would work other things in to the routine, such as making a cup of tea, then getting washed, then getting dressed before Sarah leaves with the children. All in a time frame that was helpful, to doing all of these things with the minimum of fuse or stress. I still have not got it perfect but I can do all these things and then sometimes take the children to school.

If you can get the seemingly small things done then you can work and build your way to bigger things. There was a time I barely left the house and much less speak to people. Then I got an interest, a hobby if you will. For me it was photography. For you it could be something else- art, drawing, painting, carpentry, sculpture with potatoes or going to a café. The list is endless. I found doing something creative very cathartic. So in many ways I was doing self initiated therapy.

Sarah and I would find out about events happening in my town and surrounding areas. Then I’d pack myself off with my camera to these places and photograph them. And because I didn’t normally speak to people, with my camera in hand I found I could and had to communicate with people. Nerve racking at first but eventually you build up the confidence you had lost due to the illness back up again. It’s liberating.

Thing I’m trying to say is “Do something”.

Do something that gets you up, do something that gets you out and do something that makes you happy and therefore something that gets you better.

Well I think I’ve said enough for now, I wish you all good mental health until my next blog. Follow me on @lash1978 on Twitter.

Bipolar Me- Treatment and support

Now let me be clear on one thing there are people out there in a far worse position than I. I have been very fortunate to have the support of health professionals, charities, friends and family.
One thing that you need and it is probably one of the most important things to have in your corner after medication and treatment is support. This support can come in many forms. It could be support from family, support from friends or support from organisations like the NHS via your GP or other mental health care specialists like psychiatrists or counsellors, charity’s like Mind can help, support and sign post you to other avenues of help.

When you get diagnosed the first person you see is usually your doctor or GP (General Practitioners). These doctors are at the forefront of medicine. I was lucky to have a GP who had knowledge and an interest in mental health to give me their valuable time, trust me on this- It is very valuable. Unfortunately not all people with mental health issues are so fortunate. As in the current state of the NHS sadly the GPs have too many patients, too little time and too few resources at hand. As the media keeps saying- It’s a postcode lottery.

This can lead you into the system which is daunting and scary for those entering that world. As like me, by the time you have finally put up your hands and said “there is something wrong”, you are not in a good place. After all, no well person would visit a doctor if all was okay. When I visited the doctor after I finally admitted I had a mental break I felt anger, embarrassment, self pity and shame. My self confidence and self esteem was at rock bottom. I thought I’d be carried off by the men in white coats to the hospital For some of the things I admitted to the doctor. This did not happen. I was very fortunate.

What I found was compassion, a willingness to listen and a desire to get me well through treatment. The doctor referred me on to the mental health clinic where I was assessed by mental health nurses and doctors and put on various treatments.

When it comes to the medication it seems to be as much an art as it is a science. There are no absolutes. For example medicine “A” may be good for patient “X” but not for patient “Y”, medicine “B” may be suitable for them. It’s as much trial and error as knowledge of treatment. I was put on one or two different medications and in both cases it made me feel worse. It wasn’t until the third try of meds that we found somethings that worked and agreed with me.

The next layer of support and treatment is from counsellors and other mental health professionals. This is in the form of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy or CBT. This very simply put is talking therapy. It’s where you talk out what the problem is, that is causing you to be unwell And hopefully help you come to a healthy conclusion. However for something on the surface that looks simple talking therapies can easily became a complex thing depending on what has caused your problem or trauma in the first place. It can be dark and upsetting.

There are also organisations out there willing to help and support you whilst you go through treatment. The first organisation I came into contact with was Mind. Who are a national UK wide organisation who help and support people who are dealing with mental health distress and illness. They organise things such as coffee mornings and therapeutic activities such as art therapy. I was also assigned a case worker to advocate on my behalf and support me in my progress through the system.

Another organisation that became very important to me and my family was a small local charity called Hull Veterans Support Centre or Hull Vets for short. Whose tag line is “Veterans helping Veterans”. Which is exactly what they do. Being a ex-soldier I was able to access the help and support from them. That help could from sorting out benefits claims to just simple being a ear to talk to. They have became my friends and in a way a surrogate family of brothers and sisters.

On one occasion I was in a serious funk posting dark and disturbing statements on social media that gave the veterans who saw it cause for concern. Their solution was to come to my home, collect me and take me to the veterans centre for company and banter with like minded individuals. If you ever served in the military, military banter is not for the faint hearted.

Their input into helping my recovery has been invaluable, you simple can’t put a value on it in terms of money or psychological terms. The reason why is the Hull Veterans have an understanding of the mentality of someone who has served in the Armed Forces. A lot of people in my position will get people with no understanding or knowledge of bipolar or depression or PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) or any mental health issue through simple ignorance or just lacking first hand experience saying “pull yourself together”. That doesn’t always work no matter how well meant and is appreciated even less when all you feel is darkness, misery, in mental anguish and pain.

On the other hand sometimes it the messenger who is just as important as the message as well as how the message is delivered. If it was anybody else beside a fellow veteran or a loved one like my wife saying “Pull yourself together” that person would probably be given short shrift.

Another layer of support, and arguably the most important is friends and family. If it wasn’t for my wife, children, family, and friends I would not be here, end of.

My wife has stuck with me through all the treatments, medication, darkness and highs. A lesser person would have packed their bags and left with the children in tow a long time ago. She hasn’t and I am truly grateful, words cannot state how grateful I am for that. After everything I have put her through, often being on the receiving end of my dark and nasty turns. That is a testament to the character of my wife Sarah. She married me, had my children and is staying with me despite the many opportunities for her to exit.

The love of my children keeps me grounded. They are the reason I still breath. When I have the dark horrible thoughts of ending things I think of them. That if I was to end it all I would never see them grow up, find love, succeed in life or ask me for my pearls of wisdom. My death would leave a void in their lives and a lot of questions I would not be able to answer through my absence in their lives.

You soon find out who truly cares for you when you have a mental health issue. When people like your friends find out that you have mental health issue one of two things happen- they either rally around you showing that they care or they simply disappear into the ether. If the latter is case- they were never your friend in the first place and you deserve better company.

Well I think I’ve said enough. If you have any questions ask me on here or email me at martinupfold@gmail.com or follow me on Twitter at @lash1978.

Until my next blog have good mental health,

Martin.

Bipolar Me – Depression

This was prompted by a message I received late last night asking about depression.

Now I don’t just have (I am loathed to use the word suffer) Bipolar but I also have depression. It is not unusual for people in my situation to have a multitude of problems. In my case I have bipolar, depression, insomnia and to a lesser extend anxiety.

Now the psychological symptoms of depression are as follows as taken from the NHS website.

Continuous low mood or sadness –

This is a constant running thing. It kind of goes hand in hand with the swings in mood for me. One moment laughing like a lunatic to wanting to cry like a baby. The sense of sadness can be suffocating at times. It’s a foul feeling especially when I usually show the world a sunny, happy disposition.

Feeling hopeless and helpless –

This usually happens when I’m trying to sleep or do things. I constantly hear a voice (and it’s usually my voice) saying what is the point of doing anything. What gives me hope and help is the love and care of my family and friends, especially when they take the time to see if I’m okay.

Having low self-esteem –

This boils down to my appearance as a scale of how I am feeling inside. If I’m disheveled and unkempt it means I not too good, if I’m clean, sweet smelling and groomed I’m hiding something as I still feel unwell inside. It takes a lot of effort to go into the bathroom to wash and use that razor at times.

Feeling tearful –

This is the most awkward for me. Why? I have a strong desire to cry but it never happens. I get close but no, it doesn’t happen. On the other hand I will be sitting there, usually alone and my water will fall from my eyes. Like tears but there’s no emotion behind them. Personally I think crying is a normal and healthy thing for anyone to do. I’ve seen bigger, tougher and harder men than me cry. It is NOT a sign of weakness at all.

Feeling guilt-ridden –

There’s always, for me anyway, a terrible sense of guilt at the things I’ve done in the past and the people I have wronged. This sense of guilt visits like a Dickensian ghost usually at night showing you everything you’ve supposedly done and makes you feel a lot worse. Thing is I tell myself that I’m not a bad person. I have to keep telling myself that or the guilt will swallow me up and spit me out again.

Feeling irritable and intolerant of others –

Yeah, I get irritable- Sometimes I don’t know why or it’s over the smallest most trivial things. I remember one incident, and it was related to the medication I was taking at the time, my wife Sarah and I were discussing what to give our sons for lunch when I just exploded in frustration. Like I said trivial.

Having no motivation or interest in things –

My pleasure in life is photography. It’s a excuse for me to get out of the house and confront my condition, situation and demons by doing something I enjoy. However there are times I cannot get out of bed or off the sofa. I have to fight myself and struggle just to motivate myself to pick up my camera. It doesn’t even have to be a camera, it could be doing chores like washing up, washing clothes or shaving.

Finding it difficult to make decisions –

You do find you dither a lot even if over something simple – like do I have tea, or do I have coffee. They become epic life changing decisions when really they’re not.

Not getting any enjoyment out of life –

This links in with “Having no motivation or interest in things”. Now I love life, I enjoy the simple fact that I breath and wake up in the morning each day. But it is a struggle to find a purpose at times. Something that motivates you to continue. Well I do have a purpose I am a father and husband, that can be motivation enough sometimes to get up, pull on your socks and carry on. Thing is until you find that thing that fires the spark in yourself things seem pointless.

Feeling anxious or worried –

I get anxious about going to the shops which I find personally strange and bizarre as I used to be a soldier and walk in to places and face armed men. This is not bravado or me being macho, this is fact. Now I get anxious about walking into clothes shops where to most dangerous thing is a dodgy fashion sense. It boils down to the fight or flight response. Where I would have stood tall I now feel like running away and hiding. It’s a belittling feeling.

Having suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming yourself –

These are the most insidious thoughts to have. Why? Because they creep on you and whisper poison in your ear. The thoughts tell you that you a worthless, useless, pointless and that you don’t deserve to go on. Thing is these thoughts are wrong, so very wrong. I have worth to my family and friends, use because I am a father, friend and husband and point I like living, simple as that. Thoughts like that have to, must be, confronted and defeated because death is rather permanent and when I last checked, unless you are Jesus or Lazarus, there’s no coming back.

I hope you have found this a useful insight from someone who has a front row seat to mental health issues. I do NOT have any or all of the answers but if my blog can help just one person in their fight with what is in their head then that is a small but worthy victory that I will happily take. The best medicine I find isn’t just chemical but cognitive and verbal. The best treatment is to take the medicine but to also talk to someone, be it a good friend who “gets it” because they’ve been there or to a professional practician like a psychiatrist or counsellor.

But in any case, speak to someone and that starting point, in my case anyway, was my GP. Talk, it is important.

Well I’ve said enough for now. Follow me on twitter at @lash1978 or email me at martinupfold@gmail.com

Until my next blog, have good mental health