Bipolar Me- Why I write

Well, I was asked if my writing helps?

The answer is an unequivocal yes. It always allows me to vent, explain and share my experiences of having a front row seat to mental health issues. When I write I am not always in a good place, but that doesn’t matter. Why? Because if I don’t write about my situation then the pent up tension, confusion and negativity in my mind would have no release and would become toxic, very toxic. Dare I say and sound dramatic but it could became deadly.

A lot of my blogs have an element of “me, me, me!” about them because the illness is a very selfish monster and can make one very self-centered and egotistical. That usually happens when I am not in a good place to be. When I’m in that dark place I find myself it becomes all about me and everyone else can count for nothing.

When I find myself in a funk I dwell and I fixate on things, places and certain people in my past. Sometimes I want to scream and shout their names and pour scorn on certain people in my writings. Which is ridiculous as that is wrong, distasteful and mentally is harmful and detrimental. The memories I experience and re-experience can cause one self physical pain that must be exorcised. How do I exorcise these painful memories; I write.

It is not an easy thing and sometimes I think not a sensible thing at times to do. To bare your soul on the Internet and put yourself into the public domain for all to see. Yet I do. Sometimes I feel like I am looking for validation from strangers and friends. Other times I think to myself that this could probably, no matter how unlikely, actually help someone out in the wider world. Say if one, just one, person decides to get help or someone feel they are supported and helped to not feel like the only person in the world battling with mental health issues alone due to my writing then job done.

The fact is I am not alone in my fight with mental health issues. As someone pointed out to me- I am not the warrior but it is fact my wife Sarah. She is the rock and heart of our family unit. If Sarah was to quit fighting for me to be well then I would simply be lost. That is a fight neither of us can afford to lose.

In fact at this point in time mentally I find myself in a neutral place, the wonderfully bland and boring plateau. For anyone who has bipolar, depression and any of the linked mental health issues this is not an ideal place but it is better than being manic, depressed, high or low. Ticking over on the middle ground is just fine and dandy as far as I am concerned.

Well I think I’ve written enough. Any questions feel free to ask or follow me on Twitter @lash1978


About martinupfold

Hi I am Martin Upfold and I am a father, husband, army veteran, student of photography and citizen journalist. Dealing with bipolar and depression, tackling it head on. I am sustained by my lovely wife Sarah and we have two beautiful sons Brendan, our youngest and Kieran, our eldest who has Aspergers Syndrome which is on the Autistic Spectrum. What I do to cope with my situation is to do photography and occasionally blog about it.
This entry was posted in Bipolar, Bipolar disorder, Blogging, depression, Mental health, mental health issues, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Bipolar Me- Why I write

  1. LosiLosLoco says:

    Good reason to write. I actually figures most of the writing was for you because it seems very cathartic. Keep writing away those demons Matin. 🙂 Great post.

  2. Carol says:

    Your blog is a great resource to others with mental health issues, but also to those who are trying to understand how to help their loved ones with mental health issues. So thank you for that.

    I, too, co-write a blog based on past experiences to help educate others about every aspect of domestic abuse. Most of my posts were written from a bad painful place and I think that’s necessary because it gives insight into what it’s like from “the inside, looking out”. It’s more authentic when it comes from that place.

    I have to write to get it all out of my head, so I know exactly what you mean.

    Thank you very much for sharing.

  3. martinupfold says:

    Thank you both for the kind words. Reading them is a real boost. Thank you again.

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