Woke up this morning feeling low, agitated and full of angst for no apparent reason.
The highs and lows of being bipolar are a pain. It’s like having a Mr Jeykll and Dr Hyde personality.
The lows are insular, dark and introverting where I want to harm myself. Selfish thoughts of suicide creep in. I fantasise about doing away with my self in various ways. From hanging myself to an overdose of meds to stepping into traffic, the possibilities are endless. How I counter these thoughts is by thinking about my children, thinking about my wife, my loved ones and friends. Imagining how my not being here would impact on them all. Asking if I would want another man bringing up my beautiful sons
It’s disturbing to say that there are times I wish to die by my own hand.
When I’m on a high I get racing thoughts and grandiose ideas. It’s times like this that I have to hand the credit cards to my wife Sarah as I’m in danger of going on a spending spree to buy stuff I don’t really need. It’s crippling in its own way because, like I said you have racing thoughts and grandiose ideas, which hit you like a mental tsunami and you don’t know how to handle or separate each thought as it strikes like a lightening bolt in a thunder storm. It can knock you off balance and be very frightening. So I’m very wary of the highs. My latest grandiose idea is about maybe writing a book about, surprise, surprise – My experience of bipolar, depression and anxiety.
I love the plateaus. The wonderful, the bland and the boring plateaus when I’m not high or low because then I am sensible, serine and at peace. I’m not thinking of ending things or bankrupting my family. Also you can have a half decent and intelligent conversation with me. The plateau is what I strive to return to whenever I am high or low. Sometimes I have to claw hard to get back to it.
It’s a thought that after discussing it with friends and family may not be such a bad idea. Question is who would read it? Why does such a project feel like a vanity project to feed my ego? And is there a market for such a book?
At this point in time it’ll remain just that; an idea. I genuinely want to know what you think?
Well, I’ve said enough. If you have any questions email me at email@example.com and follow my misadventures on twitter @lash1978
Until next the blog have good mental health, Martin