Bipolar Me- Highs & Lows

Woke up this morning feeling low, agitated and full of angst for no apparent reason.

The highs and lows of being bipolar are a pain. It’s like having a Mr Jeykll and Dr Hyde personality.

The lows are insular, dark and introverting where I want to harm myself.  Selfish thoughts of suicide creep in.  I fantasise about doing away with my self in various ways.  From hanging myself to an overdose of meds to stepping into traffic, the possibilities are endless.  How I counter these thoughts is by thinking about my children, thinking about  my wife, my loved ones and friends.  Imagining how my not being here would impact on them all.  Asking if I would want another man bringing up my beautiful sons

It’s disturbing to say that there are times I wish to die by my own hand.

When I’m on a high I get racing thoughts and grandiose ideas.  It’s times like this that I have to hand the credit cards to my wife Sarah as I’m in danger of going on a spending spree to buy stuff I don’t really need.  It’s crippling in its own way because, like I said you have racing thoughts and grandiose ideas, which hit you like a mental tsunami and you don’t know how to handle or separate each thought as it strikes like a lightening bolt in a thunder storm.  It can knock you off balance and be very frightening.  So I’m very wary of the highs.  My latest grandiose idea is about maybe writing a book about, surprise, surprise – My experience of bipolar, depression and anxiety.

I love the plateaus. The wonderful, the bland and the boring plateaus when I’m not high or low because then I am sensible, serine and at peace.  I’m not thinking of ending things or bankrupting my family.  Also you can have a half decent and intelligent conversation with me.  The plateau is what I strive to return to whenever I am high or low.  Sometimes I have to claw hard to get back to it.

It’s a thought that after discussing it with friends and family may not be such a bad idea.  Question is who would read it?  Why does such a project feel like a vanity project to feed my ego?  And is there a market for such a book?

At this point in time it’ll remain just that; an idea.  I genuinely want to know what you think?

Well, I’ve said enough.  If you have any questions email me at martinupfold@gmail.com and follow my misadventures on twitter @lash1978

Until next the blog have good mental health, Martin

 

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About martinupfold

Hi I am Martin Upfold and I am a father, husband, army veteran, student of photography and citizen journalist. Dealing with bipolar and depression, tackling it head on. I am sustained by my lovely wife Sarah and we have two beautiful sons Brendan, our youngest and Kieran, our eldest who has Aspergers Syndrome which is on the Autistic Spectrum. What I do to cope with my situation is to do photography and occasionally blog about it. How I got in to photography is that it was a way of dealing with my depression and bipolar by challenging it head on. It is very easy to let my mental health issues take control and rule and ruin my life. Photography gives me a reason to get out of the house and deal with the world in a creative and constructive way.
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7 Responses to Bipolar Me- Highs & Lows

  1. steelcityman says:

    That’s well written Martin, and, for me, enlightening… I’ve never had an insight into Bi-polar disorder before reading your posts. Keep up the good fight buddy.

  2. steelcityman says:

    Reblogged this on steelcityman and commented:
    Another reblog from Martin Upfold….

  3. LosiLosLoco says:

    You’ve collected your thoughts well Martin. I know of those dark thoughts. While I find them both tragic and captivating, you might say different because they mean different things to you. Still, i sympathize with you.
    I think there’s a market for everything. I’ve realized, as a grow older, that I’m interested in mundane things because they hold beauty and surprise that’s often overlooked. While everything is not for everyone, there is always something for everyone; the trick is finding those people who want your something. 🙂
    Keep living and doing what you do. Write that book if you feel it’s necessary. Do it. You have a foundation which keeps you grounded at most times, so don’t be afraid to try different things.
    And…if you ever wanna talk, about life or whatever, feel free to contact me. 🙂 My ears and heart are open to those who need it.

  4. martinupfold says:

    Thank you kindly for the generous words- The idea is growing on me.

  5. Jamie Barnwell-Edinboro says:

    Hi Martin
    I really enjoyed reading your post. I feel it’s writen in such a way it safely invites us into your experience and allows us to know more about you.
    I believe it’s easy now to become disconnected from others and ourselves. People like you who are brave enough to share a piece of themselves helps keeps us connected.
    In my humble opinion you should write your book, your story and experience.
    Regards
    Jamie

  6. Aspergers can feel very much like this. I understand well. Thank you for sharing.

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