Lucy Rose – Don’t you worry. Please listen to this as you read
As I write it is nearly 1.30am.
Truly I hate this time of night. I should be asleep. Should being the operative word. Unfortunately due to things I cannot control alas I am not.
It is that time between being awake and falling asleep that I am at my most vulnerable to the dark thoughts that tend to invade my tired mind. I wish it was due to my military career where I had been in some sort of action that had caused a trauma and that I am reliving that trauma was the cause of my dark thoughts. But that simply isn’t the case.
The dark thoughts are evil, wicked and pernicious things that are like proverbial gremlins that stalk me in the time when I want to fall asleep. They, the dark thoughts, tell me that I am worthless, I am pointless and that I do not deserve to be here. Sometimes they turn darker telling me that I should end things, end me. It has taken a lot of what is called CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) to learn how to challenge and combat this thoughts. To learn how stop them turning to a toxic poison in my mind.
I have to fight these dark thoughts nearly every night. It’s a fight that I find exhausting. It’s not a fair fight either as the enemy is sneaky, invisible and relentless. I’m terrified that one day these dark thoughts will win a battle and I will simply cease to be.
The cause of my dark thoughts is something of a hang over from my past. In my formative teenage years where I was an awkward, unrefined, lonely teenager living on a small island in a smaller town.
I had a silly crush on a girl in my class at school and I pursued her. I was convinced I was in love with her. I was infatuated. As a unrefined, shy and awkward teenager I would follow her and send her gifts of flowers. What I did not know was that I was terrifying her. It was not until the intervention of my mother that I stopped. It’s what lead me to eventually leave the small island and enlist in the military.
It wasn’t until some years later that I went on social media sites like Facebook and reconnected with people that I came across her again. I decided to apologise and reach out to her. To my surprise she accepted my apology. I was still under the misguided belief that we could be friends, I would have so happily have settled to be her friend, even if it was just a distant acquaintance.
In my excitement I sent her a friends request. That’s when it all went horribly wrong. She cut off all contact and it precipitated me having a breakdown and in the position I find myself in now.
And all this was witnessed by my poor wife, Sarah. She was so angry when I could finally muster myself and explain as to why I was crying so very hard.
It was the last time I cried. And that is what I am reliving.
In all of this it is Sarah that I feel sorry for. That she has to compete with a ghost from my past. But Sarah has stuck with me despite the trauma of endless counselling sessions and the various meditational therapies I have had to endure over the years. There have been many occasions where Sarah has said in frustration that I am stuck in the past. It’s just another element of my mental health issues.
It’s a miracle that Sarah has stood by me when a lesser person would have taken the kids and headed for the hills.
As for the other person, the focus of my teenage affections, you may have noticed I have not named her and for good reason – I wish to protect her anonymity. As far as I know she’s settled, married with children much like myself but she still lives on the small island in the smaller town. Good luck to her.
Well, I’ve said enough now. Any questions, feel free to ask on here or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Follow me on twitter @lash1978