It has been six months since my last blog.
I haven’t blogged as I have either not been bothered or I feel like I have nothing to say but now I feel I have found my voice again after going to a Meet Up group for bloggers in Sheffield last night.
Last night I met some good people and I feel it is time to hit the keyboard again and start blogging again.
In the last six months I have been up and down like the proverbial yo-yo. So much so that I have returned to counselling with the encouragement of my wife Sarah. It’s a very difficult, physically tiring and emotionally exhausting process. However if Martin wants to get better then Martin needs to do it.
And I feel part of that process is to blog and share it with you the reader whom ever you may be. As the saying goes “A problem shared is a problem halved”
It’s strange as I find it easier to burden a stranger, like my counsellor, with my problems and issues than my wife Sarah. But my logic is simply this- the counsellor is not emotionally or literally invested in the relationship that Sarah and I are invested in. If I told Sarah some of the things that are discussed in the sessions I feel that they would upset her and I do not wish for that.
Don’t worry I do share things with Sarah, it’s just that the counsellor and I go a bit more in depth to problems. The Counsellors job is to listen, hold up a proverbial mirror and question me and those problems in a constructive manner.
I am still plagued with dark thoughts of hurting myself and on occasion I have suicidal thoughts. Thing is I have enough things in place in my head that I can confront, challenge and close down those thoughts. The problem that troubles me is that I have is that they still happen. They’re like an insidious whisper that gets louder and louder the more tired and off guard you become.
It’s worse on a night as they invade my mind when I trying to sleep and I’m at my most vulnerable because the guard is down and the hordes of dark thoughts and feelings are at the gate of your mind waiting to reek havoc.
How I combat this is by either not sleeping, I distract myself by going with social media like twitter and television or forcing myself to take something that will make me sleep, not a great set of solutions to be honest.
I’ve even been trying to do a video blog (click to view) with Sarah’s help with limited success (especially since my camcorder charger has died).
Well I going to finish up now. If you have any questions or anything you wish for me to discuss relating to depression and bipolar feel free to ask, Martin