One of the most annoying things about being in my situation is the insomnia.
Insomnia is one of the aspects of my mental health issues I could with out. I could take sleeping tablets but the problem is 1) they are addictive and 2) you don’t truly get any sleep. The pills just knock you out.
The worst thing about my insomnia is not necessarily the effect on me (crabby, snappy, easily annoyed and aggressive) but on my wife, Sarah. Because I can’t sleep for some reason neither can see.
Insomnia is also boring as hell. You end up watching endless repeats on the TV, playing video games you suck at, reading books you’ve read a dozen times before or staring into the darkness at the ceiling praying for the sandman to visit you and deliver you a night of pure uninterrupted sleep. Sometimes it happens but due to the meds I take for the bipolar the dreams are unusual. Not Salvador Dali strange but more like big production movies with a Micheal Bay budget. But come the alarm call to wake you up, you can’t remember what or understand what you dreamt about.
To be honest with my personal history it is probably a good thing I don’t remember what I dreamt about. The problem with having bipolar and insomnia is hyperactive and the dark thoughts can be more intense. As I’m tired and restless, those defences in my mind I’ve worked so to build up and reinforce are severely weakened. They can threaten to overwhelm me. The hyperactive thoughts leave me exhausted and the dark thoughts are just scary.
My insomnia recently is getting that bad that Sarah has been threatening to drag me doctors. I don’t want that. What will the doctor offer me? pills and counselling. Tried both. I’m not in the frame of mind to do either.
So what is my resolution?- Well I haven’t got one, I just get on with it and hope it passes. It’s like riding a wave and I am on the crest of that wave. Soon I’ll be back to a “normal” sleeping pattern. What I fear is that the delicate balancing act I have in my head will get upset by something and I’ll be back not sleeping.